Since the breakup thingy, I started to have different kind of feelings towards everything. As if that I am on a boat by myself journeying to the unknown place. I am the navigator of myself and I am facing a huge carpet of sea. Sometimes I could see few small islands and sometimes few other ships and boats without people. The journey is a bit misty, cold and the sometimes I am hit by sea waves. At night I could only see the stars and my own voice – singing the songs that I know or sometimes composing my own hymns. They journey is a lonely one although there are stars in the sky that can accompany and comfort me at nights. At daylight, the sun lights up my day.
This month alone gave me 2 sad news. My own ruined relationship with a guy I like the most, and the news of a colleague who decided to resign very soon. Both of them are the closest ones to me. These two news are good enough to move me to think about what my life is going to be towards the end of 2012. I contacted my mother and asked for her opinion about resigning from my dream job and joining the Carmelite – a Catholic religious order of man and woman in brown habits. My mom is a family-oriented person and to her, being as a family is most important. Knowing that being a Carmelite monk/nun, one must let go of everything and most probably will never meet the immediate family members, relatives and friends anymore is the toughest issue that she has to deal with right now. Also, to discuss about this with my father is a challenging task too. Her only reply was “I don’t want to let you go” was the challenge for me.
Well, I am not too sure about this. I guess this is really a call from God. A call to be holy – a common vocation to all Christians worldwide and not just to Catholics and clergies. Knowing that I am a gay and actively seeking another gay to be my partner, it’s difficult for me to choose where I want to go: permanently being in the state of active gay or to the Carmelite monastery, seeking forgiveness and solitude with God alone – coming to Him just as what I am and serve Him with what I have.
This song inspires me a lot:
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